Some of them can be winners

Although, let's be honest, he is only a winner because he is kissing my ass by being confused that people don't know the difference between archaeology and paleontology. But, I'll take what I can get.

{Real Stories} Revolution

I haven't had a reader submission in awhile. I love them, send me more. The lovely who submitted this says,

"This is actually the message/manifesto that convinced me to delete my OKC profile once and for all.  Seriously, the guy is 45 (I'm 23... ew) and his name is (wait for it) REVOLUTION.  And is he looking for a girlfriend or a secretary?  Or is he just hoping to find an unpaid intern who will tolerate his unhinged behavior and also bang him?  Does he want to date me or make me cry in the office or all of the above?  People are weird.  The internet is weird.  Anyway, I highlighted the most problematic/hilarious parts."

And now for the manifesto....

How does he go from needing an intern to talking about his last few girlfriends? I also love that he found his attorney through OKC. Does he also bang her/him? Does he bang everyone he associates with? I also love that he included his Craigslist post. So thoughtful. Maybe he just looking for an innocent intern that he can help elevate, shape and mold their young mind...into becoming his sex slave. Seriously, he seems the type to have a weird sex basement in his offices.

So he is recently homeless and has crazy mood swings. He sounds like every other homeless person that I have encountered that is on a shitload of drugs. How is he suppose to help the homeless when he apparently cannot help himself? I don't think I would like to die trying for this fool. I asked my bf for his opinion on this dude. He gave a nice summary of this Creeper's life motto




Don't be a pussy. Life is all about adventure, which is easily attained by climbing into his van (hint: it's the van with the self-applied label of "free kittez" on the site). What's the worst that could happen? Nothing that lengthy criminal lawsuit, a trip to Planned Parenthood, and counseling couldn't fix. I say jump in cunt first.

Those are words to live by and also my next tattoo. 

I'm confused.....

If anybody could translate the first sentence for me it would be greatly appreciated and you will also be rewarded with an automatic Masters degree in Linguistics cause that is some bat shit crazy there.

Congrats sir.....

You were successful in what you set out to do and I will not be messaging you. And I will absolutely not be messaging you to let you know that I will not be messaging you. I have other things to do like wonder why my guinea pig hates me.

Actually I am a full grown lady, of sorts, and only recently stopped using diapers so calling me a baby is just rude

uuugghhhhhhhh

Going all Hannibal on a person is not a good way to start off, just a suggestion.

I don't know how much clearer I can make it....

This is a screen grab from my actual OKC profile

Three facts any idiot with a 1st grade reading level can pull from it: 1) I have my degree in archaeology 2) I work as an archaeologist and 3) I don't know shit about dinosaurs (seriously people look up paleontology- there is a HUGE difference). Now that we have that all figured out, on to today's messages.....

I mean, seriously, COME ON!!! I cannot break it down any easier than I have in the first two fucking sentences of my profile. I had to include his user name only because it was entirely appropriate for his idiotic message.

No,sir, I do not care to comment on the fact that birds are descendants of dinosaurs because I have already stated I don't know shit about dinosaurs (although I am pretty up to date on the whole bird dinosaur thing because of a kick ass Discovery Channel program...maybe he should watch that).

Hi! I'm still alive!!!

Sorry things have been way super slow here. Its a combination of several factors:

1) Work is busy and leaves me really tired so I've been going bed at 9am like a grandma
2) Blogger crashed....
3) My computer got the super virus of all super viruses that essentially killed it but my lovely bf brought it back to life
4) Messages on OKC just haven't been that interesting.

So, I'll try to get this thing running again. That is if I have any readers left :)

Raise your hand if you know what is wrong with this message?

Who needs Myspace and Facebook to advertise their crappy band....

when you have OkCupid?

Punctuation: Its important

I'm not grammar nerd but basic punctuation is a nice skill to posses. These two guys do not posses this skill.

Every thing is so blended! o_0  Imjoe apparently did not appreciate my silence

I won't talk to you because without punctuation I think your sentence ,and by association you, seems stupid.

Hi, person I don't give a fuck about

1) I am not 12 years old so please don't call me girl
2) Out of everything I wrote on that stupid profile the only thing you got out of it is that I am tall. Such a charmer

Fake Profiles: Super Annoying Version

Online dating is ripe with fake profiles. Sometimes they are funny but most often they are pretty lame. I got a message from a profile that I am pretty sure is fake

 

This could I have been funny, I guess, but really just made my head hurt. I of course checked out the profile

 

Not impressed with quoting Charlie Sheen. Kindergartners can do it so its pretty lame at this point. This profile also had a suspiciously large amount of  awards given. Even these are fake.

I'm pretty sure this person just made up other fake profiles to give his fake profile awards. Somebody has waaaayyyyyyy too much time on their hands

Annnnndddddd I'm back

Things have been quiet lately here. Shit happens, I work, I have some semblance of a thing called a life, I fall asleep by 8pm etc. Anyways, I have some new messages that have come my way to share but I need to take care of some business first....

I had received a comment a little while back accusing me of slut shaming. A majority of the people who have read this site come from the lady blog world and are quite familiar with that term. I'm not perfect but I'm not a slut shamer. I am an all around equal opportunity shamer though. When I point out things like scantily clad bodies or girls shoving bananas down their throat its not to shame. Its annoying when I read profiles that say "I'm looking for a gentleman, responsible, loyal guy blah blah blah" (you get the gist) then see these pictures because reality is that you are more than likely not going to get that if you are doing these so called "slut" things. Really, all you will get are the creepers. Its a fact. I would love it if we lived in a perfect world where a lady can be as "slutty" as she wants and still get the good non creepy guy who will treat her right. But we don't. Just know that at this point in our society, what you put out there is what you will get back. If you really want to find someone of substance then scale back on the sexy (you don't have to be a prude) and save it for when you get that first message at least. Now if you want to find guys just to mess around with and not establish anything serious then by all means be up front about it. Maybe one day things will change but until then.......

Do Your Homework....

We live in a world where information is just a mouse click away. When it comes to online dating/networking/whatever googling a person can be a good and a bad thing. I would normally advise against it because then you find out too much information about a person before they have the chance to tell you the thrill of discovery and meeting that person is gone. However, its important to trust your gut and when it tells you that something might be shady about a person check them out. I got that feeling with this message and put my detective hat on and went to work.

Whenever someone gives me things like their facebook profile I check it out, mostly because I think its weird to just give it out so quickly. I started with this guy's imdb page. His whole producer gig seems to check out (although I'm not giving a bunch of legit Hollywood cred to someone who specializes in Van Damme and Segal movies)

Then things got a bit suspicious. The message boards on his page seemed a bit to lively for a 2-bit producer

All posted by the same person in a very short amount of time. Seems like this Kristina person is some sort of assistant or a relative paid to pimp out his shit movies. All the same info can be found on her blog for David Dadon Productions (don't click it- big waste of time). So far he seems like some guy trying to drum up business for himself. I decided to check out his Facebook next.

On his profile, he has 635 "friends" majority of who all seem to be very young females. CREEPY. He lays out the same lines about being a producer. His facebook profile as well as his Twitter are filled with these weird ads. His profile also suggests that he had a bad experience at Pita Pit and needed to describe that experience in association with every single Pita Pit in a 100 mile radius. Nothing really of interest besides the creep factor. Time for the Google search......turns out this guy is a creepy con man of sorts.

This guy has been accused of  trying to "wrongfully acquire public corporations, attempted to take investors' money, attempted to falsely accuse others, and has had his testimony rejected by the courts of this nation" (source). According to the same source, David Dadon and his son Jacob (equally as creepy) are involved in at least 20 lawsuits in three different states and Canada since 2001, his son has filed for bankruptcy, and varying social security numbers and aliases have been linked to David Dadon. The comments on the source article seem to even further confirm what a sleazeball this guy is

He also does online poker. I always find it ironic that the guys who try to steal money play poker. They can't get enough of the bluffs in the real world they must do it in card form. Anyways, there is a website set up that outlines all of Mr. Dadon's legal troubles. You can check it out here. It has more links, videos, documents and even a Power Point presentation!

Its hard to want to find friendship and honesty in other people when you are one giant fucking creep who tries to swindle people and raise your son to be exactly like you. Just let this message serve as a reminder that when you feel your instinct kick in that something is not right about a person and you have the info to do a search- do it! You may be surprised in what you find.

ummmmmmm....no thanks

Riiiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhtttttttttt. Cause I'm totally going to take off with two complete strangers to an unknown area with firearms. I watch enough CSI, Law and Order, Bones, NCIS, and any other crime/law enforcement shows to know that that scenario never works out right.

Want to impress someone? Actually pay attention to basic details!

This guy's message was actually not bad. He seemed nice and sincere. I just have one problem with it- the claim of a smile. I have had guys mention this smile before. The problem that I am having is the fact that I have two pictures on my profile. Only two. I am not smiling in any of them. Where is this magical smile that they are seeing? Am I blind? Am I missing something?

Sure person who is a complete stranger, hasn't told me anything about themselves and has no info on their profile, you can totally have my phone number. You know why? Just because you called me cute. Have never heard that one before in an attempt to get digits. You won me over with your creativity. Good job!

Let Me Break It Down For You

This dude's message is by far the least creeptastic thing ever. Its not perfect either but I'm not really concentrating on that. More the fact that every guy thinks my job is cool and "sexy". Yes my job has its cool moments but I work in the world of CRM basically doing quick archaeology for government and utility jobs  so that they can make sure they are not about to wipe out a bunch of Native American sites and be in a legal mess.I get to do some excavation, surveys and A LOT of construction monitoring. Excavations and surveys are really cool because I am being paid to play in the dirt and hike for 8-10 hours a day. Construction monitoring not so much. I get paid to stand around in horrible weather, usually in one spot all day long, watching big fat sexist construction workers with mad plumber cracks dig in the ground and I have to be a hard ass and yell at them when they seriously fuck up. Not so sexy.

Also not sexy, what I wear to work. Excavations and surveys I have a bit more freedom in what I can wear. My real non-sexy moments come from my monitoring outfits. I wear baggy jeans or hiking pants that do nothing for my ass or thighs. When its cold out I layer up on thermal shirts and long johns....yes long johns. I've even been known to wear two pairs of long johns when it gets cold enough. Even when the weather is nice I still have to wear long sleeve shirts regardless of temperature (thanks project requirements!). I'm really looking forward to this summer when its 105 degrees out and I have to wear long sleeves. Although they do prevent gross farmer's tan lines (that I FINALLY got rid of). I'm also a funny shade of white thanks to the layers upon layers of sunscreen I wear. I don't wear makeup. I don't brush my hair and sometimes whether I brush my teeth or not can be questionable. And top it all off with a hard hat and fluorescent yellow safety vest.

Majority of this comes from project requirements from the client, my own laziness because I'm not doing shit at 4am and the need to hide my body. I would say 9 out of 10 times I am the only female working with the construction crews. Usually the guys are fine but there is always that one that fucks it up for everyone and has to be the creep that says rude comments. So its best to just dress myself as down as possible to avoid those comments. They still happen but at least I can say I didn't give them a reason for it.

Other non-sexy moments for me at work- being stuck in a manzanita tree,being covered in head to toe poison oak, being covered in ticks, being stung by a bee on the neck and not knowing if I'm allergic or not, having pond scum cover your clothing, being so sweaty you smell worse than the guys, biting off blisters on my hands so they don't get worse, splinters, cutting my back open on rusty wire while shimming under a gate, tripping on ALL the rusty barb wire, being covered in cactus (in the ass is the worst), other insect bites, getting sunscreen in your eyes, start going delirious because you ran out of water and still have a two hour hike back to the vehicle, watching a bunch of old men out hike you (more embarrassing), feeling like you just smoked 20 packs of ciggies because you are not used to the altitude, losing toenails, smashing your knuckles so many times in the screen frames that when you wake up your hand is stuck in closed fist position- the list could go on forever

Oh, a nice tidbit for you- usually for environmental reasons they don't want us peeing in the habitat we are working in so we get porter-o-pottys. Pottys that are used by 10 different men everyday, that take disgusting dumps. Porter-o-pottys that I am lucky if they get cleaned out once a week. Sexy, right?

I'm sorry.....what?

Literally that is all that message said. I didn't know that I stepped into a Salt-n-Peppa time machine.

Lesson for the Ladies

Let's start with what she states in her profile....

She sounds completely reasonable and nice. So far so good

Still doing well. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Speaking of shoulders.....

That is all you see of her profile picture. Well that and BOOBS. How can anyone expect to find a man who is not a creep when all you show are BOOBS? Get it together lady. And by it I mean clothes. Get some clothes together and put them on.Don't even get me started on the name. She officially turned it into an oxymoron. Congrats miss. It doesn't end there....

Ladies, if you want anyone to respect you put some fucking clothes on. Otherwise you just look like a piece of meat and will be treated like one. You can still be sexy with CLOTHES. Do it. Make it happen.

Head, I am quite sure that you have met desk before so proceed.

Send me your stories!!!!

I'm tired of reading my own voice so send me all those crazy messages and stories that could rival Charlie Sheen's drug filled antics. I swear as soon as he claimed to have tiger's blood and Adonius DNA I knew he was a creeper at heart. Grant it, a crack filled heart but nevertheless.


So send me that shit (just not spam) at okcreepers@gmail.com

Lessons for the Ladies: This Shit is Bananas

Unless you are running a private escort service for people with banana fetishes, don't do this

 

This is a good way to get creepers

Is this what Massachusetts is like?

I've never been but I have family from there. I just imagine brick buildings, collegiate sweaters, beans, Ben Affleck and Mark Walhberg plotting together about how they can make the ultimate WE LOVE BOSTON movie (its totally going to happen one day). I would have never expected this......

 

Since when did Massachusetts get all Jersey Shored? If this is what I have to expect over there then I'm staying on the West Coast

You said so.....

In the words of Jeff from Community (great show...watch it!) : "What is it about me that makes broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddle masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?"


Anyways.....he said he was a creeper so I made it official

{Real Stories} Being a Sexist Pig Gets You Nowhere in Life and Love

A reader sent me the profile details of a real winner. I cannot imagine why he is single

Look I swear like a sailor. In fact, I can put most sailors to shame but I really do not like the word cunt. It's completely disrespectful and demeaning. It's not like bitch. Nobody is really out trying to reclaim that particular word. When you are calling women cunts within the FIRST FUCKING SENTENCE of your profile, is it really a shocker that they do not want to respond to your messages? I would bet big money that they are not looking for "that one free ride". Online dating is hard enough with the regular creepers. When you add to the mix men using derogatory terms who clearly have personal issues they need to deal with, all you want to do is run for the hills. There is no time or place to be "polite" to scary scary men like him. I highly doubt that he is a hopeful romantic.

He not only hates women but also loves seeing people fail. Ladies why are you not lining up for this catch? If his winning attitude was not enough for you maybe he can impress you with his gun skills. You know after he is done with his women hating rants for the day. He is tolerant, just not towards women

You are not special in that you have done adult movies. Really anybody can do one. So congratulations on being just like everybody else. Enjoy your lonely nights watching yourself on screen

Quiver is like Bumper Stickers

Demetri Martin (my long time secret husband) has a joke about bumper stickers that goes like this

"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'"

OkCupid's calls its computer highly [non] scientific matches for you Quiver. You see a short snippet of a profile and decided if you want to check the person out more. To me, Quiver is just like a bumper stick. Most of the time its a definite "Hey, let's never hang out"   {I'll find a bunch of gems for you to view. These are just my current ones}

Don't Be This Idiot

That is the title of my new regular feature for this site. I see so many stupid profiles and pictures (my picture policy is out the window now) that I want to share but usually just don't have anything new to say so I don't post them which is a disservice to you. Now with this feature I will just present moronic moments in online dating with little to no commentary. My only advice is to not be this idiot.

Now its time for our first lucky winner (really loser).....

Someone is obsessed with the blue highlighter

Self-employed = unemployed. Just admit it nobody will fault you. Its a shitty economy

I am impressed he made his life essentials into a pyramid

No you don't

Being an extra does not equate to being a successful actor                                                                                                                

Also, half of his pictures are of him when he is 20 which is always a great indicator for what they look like now in their 40's