Send me your stories!!!!

I'm tired of reading my own voice so send me all those crazy messages and stories that could rival Charlie Sheen's drug filled antics. I swear as soon as he claimed to have tiger's blood and Adonius DNA I knew he was a creeper at heart. Grant it, a crack filled heart but nevertheless.


So send me that shit (just not spam) at okcreepers@gmail.com

Lessons for the Ladies: This Shit is Bananas

Unless you are running a private escort service for people with banana fetishes, don't do this

 

This is a good way to get creepers

Is this what Massachusetts is like?

I've never been but I have family from there. I just imagine brick buildings, collegiate sweaters, beans, Ben Affleck and Mark Walhberg plotting together about how they can make the ultimate WE LOVE BOSTON movie (its totally going to happen one day). I would have never expected this......

 

Since when did Massachusetts get all Jersey Shored? If this is what I have to expect over there then I'm staying on the West Coast

You said so.....

In the words of Jeff from Community (great show...watch it!) : "What is it about me that makes broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddle masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?"


Anyways.....he said he was a creeper so I made it official

{Real Stories} Being a Sexist Pig Gets You Nowhere in Life and Love

A reader sent me the profile details of a real winner. I cannot imagine why he is single

Look I swear like a sailor. In fact, I can put most sailors to shame but I really do not like the word cunt. It's completely disrespectful and demeaning. It's not like bitch. Nobody is really out trying to reclaim that particular word. When you are calling women cunts within the FIRST FUCKING SENTENCE of your profile, is it really a shocker that they do not want to respond to your messages? I would bet big money that they are not looking for "that one free ride". Online dating is hard enough with the regular creepers. When you add to the mix men using derogatory terms who clearly have personal issues they need to deal with, all you want to do is run for the hills. There is no time or place to be "polite" to scary scary men like him. I highly doubt that he is a hopeful romantic.

He not only hates women but also loves seeing people fail. Ladies why are you not lining up for this catch? If his winning attitude was not enough for you maybe he can impress you with his gun skills. You know after he is done with his women hating rants for the day. He is tolerant, just not towards women

You are not special in that you have done adult movies. Really anybody can do one. So congratulations on being just like everybody else. Enjoy your lonely nights watching yourself on screen

Quiver is like Bumper Stickers

Demetri Martin (my long time secret husband) has a joke about bumper stickers that goes like this

"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'"

OkCupid's calls its computer highly [non] scientific matches for you Quiver. You see a short snippet of a profile and decided if you want to check the person out more. To me, Quiver is just like a bumper stick. Most of the time its a definite "Hey, let's never hang out"   {I'll find a bunch of gems for you to view. These are just my current ones}

Don't Be This Idiot

That is the title of my new regular feature for this site. I see so many stupid profiles and pictures (my picture policy is out the window now) that I want to share but usually just don't have anything new to say so I don't post them which is a disservice to you. Now with this feature I will just present moronic moments in online dating with little to no commentary. My only advice is to not be this idiot.

Now its time for our first lucky winner (really loser).....

Someone is obsessed with the blue highlighter

Self-employed = unemployed. Just admit it nobody will fault you. Its a shitty economy

I am impressed he made his life essentials into a pyramid

No you don't

Being an extra does not equate to being a successful actor                                                                                                                

Also, half of his pictures are of him when he is 20 which is always a great indicator for what they look like now in their 40's

                                                                      

How about intelligent, witty, smart, or funny? No? Those don't count in girl world?



By the way, I've have a bunch of stuff in the works for new posts for this site. I've been a bit bogged down with work and frankly been too tired to do anything but lay around in my long johns (how's that image for you boys? pretty, hot, cute or revolting?) reading stupid shit online. 

Happy Valentines Day....

if you are into that sort of thing. I'm not but if I had to give out a v-day card it would be either some really awfully awesome 90's boyband card that you randomly find at a dollar store or this.....

 Mostly because I love bacon and eggs. Although today is the first time in my life that I am seeing someone/dating/in a relationship I am not celebrating V-day. Instead we are celebrating our 6 month anniversary. Its much better that way.

Say what?

I actually had to go back and look through my profile to see if I mentioned my views on religion and social issues. I was pretty sure that I didn't. And I was right. Apparently we are so much of a match he already knows everything about me. OKC could really take a lesson from his skillllzzzzzzzz

Oh you will be remembered just probably not the way you would like to be

{Real Stories} No jerkface you are not self-confident but a creepster

I would think that after reading a bunch of creepy messages for the past 6 or 7 months I've been on OKC that I wouldn't be surprised. I was wrong. I got this submission from a reader and its creeptastic qualities is off the chart. Without further ado,

The submitter let me know that no where in her profile does it mention her looking for casual sex and she doesn't even answer the sex questions. That just brings the creepy level up a notch.

Telling a person your cock size (without being asked) is beyond being "foward" and "self-confident". It is conceited, no mistake about it. If I want some guy to brag about his dick and how he can work it all I have to do is go to a bar or craigslist. I think it's safe to say that a good portion of people who start online dating do it because they are over that sort of attitude. However, my absolute FAVORITE part about this message is that he has the lab report to prove he is disease free, cause that is going to make a world of difference. Guys, do yourself a favor and put your dick away. You will get surprisingly a lot further with women than you think when you start using the head attached to your neck. Its there for a reason.

Romantic Evening for One Creeper: Revisited

Sometimes guys just don't get the hint or the rudely worded message. That's when I decided to have a little fun with it. Remember this fool who tried telling me his favorite hobbies were bubble baths and chocolates? No? Well neither did I till he messaged me again. He essentially told me that he wasn't "sold" on my profile yet so I responded with "Lucky for me, I'm not for sale" (usually my blog material and my message responses are the same). I didn't hear back for awhile so it was safe to assume that he got the message and moved on.

What is that saying about assuming things? It makes an ass out of  you and me? Anyways, I was wrong. His initial response annoyed me and I just wanted to punch him in the balls really hard. But with some loving encouragement from my BF I responded to see where it would go. Now for your entertainment (my messages are in the blue shade)

Oddly enough, he hasn't written back since the last message. I really take offense to the notion that I am for rent. It made me want to doubly punch and kick him in the balls. Guys you will not get anywhere with women with the attitude that you can purchase them. Even with hookers it just buys you a few hours.

A Recipe To Try: A Good First Date reblogged from The Frenemy

The Frenemy is one of my favorite Tumblrs (I still don't fully understand Tumblr so that statement is a bit of a stretch but I still LOVE what she writes!). I find the writing extremely hilarious and am striving for her level of sarcasm and wit. I thought that I would share one of her recent posts on how to have a good first date. Seemed appropriate since all my material comes from people looking for that good first date.

You Will Need:
-yourself
-some poor, unsuspecting schmuck to either cling onto with unrelenting talons or rip out heart and throw into garbage
Prep Time:
3 hours or longer, depending on how much of a liberated slut you are
Directions:

• Find somebody good on paper. Intelligent but really ‘hold your doors open’ nice. Kind of sarcastic but not that good at it as you are. Has a nice pair of glasses and plays Sudoku. You are not crazy attracted to this person, you are attracted to the kind of person he/she is. You see, the last guy you made out with-that one you never dated but was really attracted to- was a fucking jackwad. Find yourself filled with rage at that guy. Fuck that guy! Now’s the time to find somebody slightly yawny to hang out with and make sure they like you more than you like them. Note: This person will take a really long time to find so you might have to settle for ‘guy with bad tattoos who has three terrifying roommates but seems like he might be able to read and texts you drunk so you know he digs you.’
• Even though this guy is totally not really your type, be filled with bundles of nerves and rage when they don’t ask you out right away. This was not part of the ‘treat me like a Minaj Bitch Princess’ plan, this is stage ‘feed me love poems and grapes!’ and you are fucking it up by not asking me out. Find this possible disinterest attractive, decide you like them a lot now.
• Finally, after much late night texting, you take a shot of vodka and ask them to get a drink on Friday. Or ‘grab some food.’ Did you just suggest a date? Is this even a date? Consult the Millionaire Matchmaker, realize that this isn’t really a date.
• Tell all your friends you are going on a date.
• Maybe you should go DANCING? Or make pottery? Oh, fuck it, dive bar it is.
• The evening of, shower all the parts of your body you have, spraying the body spray on the neck and the breast things. Use lotion and shave your toes. Carefully put on makeup but smear your eyeliner because you’re being careful. Scream. Wear your favorite dress and maybe even use hairspray. Change out of the dress and put on jeans because you don’t want to look like you care. Drink a glass of wine at 530pm because what are you, a fucking Puritan? Try to find a way to stab the butterflies out of your stomach but still live.
• Go to bar. Arrive late. Awkward hug. Giggle. Order beer. They pay but this doesn’t matter until the next round and if you have to get it this is not a date, after all.
• Make conversation but refuse to look into their eyes. Look at all the other things, but not the eyes. The eyes are the key to the soul! You must protect your soul. Twitch around like a crazy person because you are nervous.
• Tell some fucking dumbass story of you in high school that you think is cute but is not cute, express your opinions on the Kardashian sisters, make six comments about the weather. Also make some of the worst jokes you’ve made in your life. Lie about the fact that you know the band they are speaking of. Say you want to go to Thailand and its beaches because it sounds good. Wonder why you ddi that. Suddenly express strong feelings about sashimi and Dakota Fanning.
• Have an awkward pause before you finally decide the next drink should probably be vodka. Did I say an awkward pause? I meant like six awkward pauses and really, why does your brain insist on giggling?
• Now the next round comes to the table. I can’t tell you if they will buy the next round for you or not. Dates to me are like Agatha Christie novels: mysterious but I’m usually too fucking bored to read them. I’m not a stuffy old person and I’d rather party.
• Six vodka sips in they tell you a story about how they have a puppy or how they love their grandma or something. Fall in love with them immediately. Decide that you should channel this by making out furiously with them tonight.
• Cross your legs toward them. Play with your hair. You are such a caricature of sexy, but you probably think you are Black Swanning like Mila Kunis. You are only slightly tipsy (no food all day! Nerves!) and you are now talking about what the ending of Inception means and you resist the urge to text all your friends in the bathroom or crotch grab under the table. You suck down your drink in about thirteen minutes instead.
• Now you are at the first date crossroads. You either get another drink or ask if you want to get something light to eat. You know that you if you get another drink you will get drunk and this is bad. And falafel on a bench walking through some cobblestoned streets is the best most romantic thing ever but that’s not your reality and this is not a movie with Adam Brody’s triumphant return. Get the drink. You know you’re just going to get the drink.
• Grab their knee, touch their shoulder, anything that signals ‘i want to go home with you.’
• Probably make out.
• Don’t go home with them. Remember that you are a lady, a Winona Ryder in Little Women, and mostly remember that no relationships start on one night stands and you will snag this person! You will do all the right things with this person!
• Also, make out more. But go home. Say Goodnight eight times. Okay! I’m gonna go home! Damn it! Damn it to hell! I AM PURITAN. 
• Float home in your date happiness. You are young and alive and on a date! Imagine all the other dates you will future have and the hugs and sex and cuddles. Tell all your friends how great life is. CLOUD FLOAT. Don’t even snack on snacks, just roll around in your bed in your ‘i’m such a good dater’ love haze.
• Possibility #1: They ask you out to dinner two days later and you guys go on more dates and have romantic sex to Sara Barielles and puppies and kittens explode out of your vagina rainbow and it is lovely and special before somebody fucks up eventually. Become that couple that everybody hates because you guys are so happy and just writing this I want to shoot paintballs at you.
• Possibility Reality #2: Three days later, he hasn’t texted back or you decide that it was just a meh date so you go bury yourself in a mound of popcorn for two days as you wallow in your bad taste/bad luck. Then say fuck it and go out with your girl friends and Facebook stalk every guy you’ve ever met. Lather, Rinse, Repeat all those steps until Possibility #1 happens. After that ends, lather up again.

Cooking Time:
A date comes along after three bad hookups, one bad relationship, one long dry spell, and one satisfied stretch of ‘fuck you i love being alone’ time. So once every three years. Leap Year. Blue Moon. Mostly never.

Personally, I am not the greatest with first dates or dating in general. I am naturally really shy and I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I crawl into a little shell. The Frenemy's description of this first date is pretty much my dating experience. Meet jerkwad, drink too much because of nerves, make bad decisions, then never make it to second date. I would rather be alone than date, its that bad. That's why I feel extremely lucky with my boyfriend and my relationship now. So to everyone out there that is still looking, keep fighting the good fight. He or she is there....seriously they are.

Source!!!!!

Super Cool Username......or not

Oh "rilly", your name is Aimz? Now is that your birth name or did you go all Bud Bundy style and give yourself a really cool rap name? Since your profile has no picture, I imagine you look a lot like this

 

I love keywords

I'm a nerd and love looking at my stats. Most of my readers come from the ladyblog. Every once in awhile I get some from an outside source. Apparently one lucky person found their way here by searching "are shirtless pictures from the beach okay". Whoever you are sir or lady, just know that brought a smile to my face and I hope you found your answer. If not, I would be more than happy to help you find it.

I'll give you a quarter to go away. Shit, here is five bucks to go away. Make it happen. Also, considering that you are 19 and I am...well not.... its probably safe to assume you still live with mom. Why don't you just go home and tell her? Ok? Cool.

OKC Spam

I'll be honest, I didn't know it existed until today. I got this ridiculous message and I shared with my BF. The profile for the person who sent it is gone. BF informed me that it was from a spammer. So as sort of my own OK Creepers PSA here is the message so that you can be forewarned (I keeping all of the emails in as a reference incase anybody gets something similar)

{Real Stories} Douchebag Advice

There seems to be the recent stupid trend from guys where they give "advice" about profiles to help the ladies find that perfect guy. Just stop. Its always the case that when you look at the guy's profile to see what earth shattering philosophies he has laid down for the love of his life, you just find some dweeb with a lack of basic grammar and a bunch of hot air. I had a reader send me this IM conversation. I say conversation for a lack of a better term since its all pretty much one sided leaning towards douche  (Ed. Note: TINF is the reader who sent it)

My favorite part is how he says its too much but not for him. Don't confuse his complaints with his own personal feelings towards the photo. By the by, I've seen the photo in question. Its not off putting at all. This guy is just an idiot and reinforces my standard of not enabling IM chat

A funny thing happens....

when you state on your profile that you will scorn anybody thoroughly who does not know the difference between an archaeologist and a paleontologist (I was tired of being asked what my favorite dinosaur is and why my life is not exactly like Jurassic Park), people stop sending you messages.

Maybe its time to rethink my hatred for those stupid dino messages. But really people, there is a difference and the archies of the world appreciate it when you know it.

Lessons for the Ladies: Show that you have a brain

1. TyPiNg LiKe ThIs Is AnNoYiNg AnD mAkEs YoU lOoK dUmB. Ok, typing like that is really hard. That took way too much effort to do and I didn't even do it in text speak where they start leaving out vowels. It hurts my head. I'm guessing that the medical school she went to is not affiliated with Harvard in any way. The way she spells and types also tells me that I should fear for my medical safety and my chart would be a bitch to read especially in an emergency. Also, who doesn't like to have fun? That doesn't make you special.

2. These are not really skills that a person aspires to be "good" at. Unless you are a professional dancer. Then I'll give you that one. Ladies, can we not brag about being good at drinking? It is doing nothing for your image. I'm not saying that you have to be prim and proper but for crying out loud drinking skills are not something to be celebrating unless of course you have been hanging out with Charlie Sheen. Even then, that should be kept on the down low.

3. Head meet desk. Hun, we can all tell that you don't like to read. But maybe picking up a book wouldn't be all that bad. We can start you off with something short and easy. Maybe, Goodnight Moon? What kind of the "medical school" did you go to and presumably pass if you don't like to read? There is tons of reading there.

4. Those are some real special priorities there. Any man would be lucky to have you probably for that one night. Cause lets face, the way you have just described yourself has eliminated yourself from the dating and relationship pool. You are toe deep in the one hit wonder kiddie pool.


The lesson here? Don't be this girl. Unless all you are looking for are creepy guys who like to hit it and quit it. Even if you are just looking for hook ups online have a bit more substance than this, then your one night johns could maybe hold a 1 hour conversation. Maybe