A Recipe To Try: A Good First Date reblogged from The Frenemy

The Frenemy is one of my favorite Tumblrs (I still don't fully understand Tumblr so that statement is a bit of a stretch but I still LOVE what she writes!). I find the writing extremely hilarious and am striving for her level of sarcasm and wit. I thought that I would share one of her recent posts on how to have a good first date. Seemed appropriate since all my material comes from people looking for that good first date.

You Will Need:
-yourself
-some poor, unsuspecting schmuck to either cling onto with unrelenting talons or rip out heart and throw into garbage
Prep Time:
3 hours or longer, depending on how much of a liberated slut you are
Directions:

• Find somebody good on paper. Intelligent but really ‘hold your doors open’ nice. Kind of sarcastic but not that good at it as you are. Has a nice pair of glasses and plays Sudoku. You are not crazy attracted to this person, you are attracted to the kind of person he/she is. You see, the last guy you made out with-that one you never dated but was really attracted to- was a fucking jackwad. Find yourself filled with rage at that guy. Fuck that guy! Now’s the time to find somebody slightly yawny to hang out with and make sure they like you more than you like them. Note: This person will take a really long time to find so you might have to settle for ‘guy with bad tattoos who has three terrifying roommates but seems like he might be able to read and texts you drunk so you know he digs you.’
• Even though this guy is totally not really your type, be filled with bundles of nerves and rage when they don’t ask you out right away. This was not part of the ‘treat me like a Minaj Bitch Princess’ plan, this is stage ‘feed me love poems and grapes!’ and you are fucking it up by not asking me out. Find this possible disinterest attractive, decide you like them a lot now.
• Finally, after much late night texting, you take a shot of vodka and ask them to get a drink on Friday. Or ‘grab some food.’ Did you just suggest a date? Is this even a date? Consult the Millionaire Matchmaker, realize that this isn’t really a date.
• Tell all your friends you are going on a date.
• Maybe you should go DANCING? Or make pottery? Oh, fuck it, dive bar it is.
• The evening of, shower all the parts of your body you have, spraying the body spray on the neck and the breast things. Use lotion and shave your toes. Carefully put on makeup but smear your eyeliner because you’re being careful. Scream. Wear your favorite dress and maybe even use hairspray. Change out of the dress and put on jeans because you don’t want to look like you care. Drink a glass of wine at 530pm because what are you, a fucking Puritan? Try to find a way to stab the butterflies out of your stomach but still live.
• Go to bar. Arrive late. Awkward hug. Giggle. Order beer. They pay but this doesn’t matter until the next round and if you have to get it this is not a date, after all.
• Make conversation but refuse to look into their eyes. Look at all the other things, but not the eyes. The eyes are the key to the soul! You must protect your soul. Twitch around like a crazy person because you are nervous.
• Tell some fucking dumbass story of you in high school that you think is cute but is not cute, express your opinions on the Kardashian sisters, make six comments about the weather. Also make some of the worst jokes you’ve made in your life. Lie about the fact that you know the band they are speaking of. Say you want to go to Thailand and its beaches because it sounds good. Wonder why you ddi that. Suddenly express strong feelings about sashimi and Dakota Fanning.
• Have an awkward pause before you finally decide the next drink should probably be vodka. Did I say an awkward pause? I meant like six awkward pauses and really, why does your brain insist on giggling?
• Now the next round comes to the table. I can’t tell you if they will buy the next round for you or not. Dates to me are like Agatha Christie novels: mysterious but I’m usually too fucking bored to read them. I’m not a stuffy old person and I’d rather party.
• Six vodka sips in they tell you a story about how they have a puppy or how they love their grandma or something. Fall in love with them immediately. Decide that you should channel this by making out furiously with them tonight.
• Cross your legs toward them. Play with your hair. You are such a caricature of sexy, but you probably think you are Black Swanning like Mila Kunis. You are only slightly tipsy (no food all day! Nerves!) and you are now talking about what the ending of Inception means and you resist the urge to text all your friends in the bathroom or crotch grab under the table. You suck down your drink in about thirteen minutes instead.
• Now you are at the first date crossroads. You either get another drink or ask if you want to get something light to eat. You know that you if you get another drink you will get drunk and this is bad. And falafel on a bench walking through some cobblestoned streets is the best most romantic thing ever but that’s not your reality and this is not a movie with Adam Brody’s triumphant return. Get the drink. You know you’re just going to get the drink.
• Grab their knee, touch their shoulder, anything that signals ‘i want to go home with you.’
• Probably make out.
• Don’t go home with them. Remember that you are a lady, a Winona Ryder in Little Women, and mostly remember that no relationships start on one night stands and you will snag this person! You will do all the right things with this person!
• Also, make out more. But go home. Say Goodnight eight times. Okay! I’m gonna go home! Damn it! Damn it to hell! I AM PURITAN. 
• Float home in your date happiness. You are young and alive and on a date! Imagine all the other dates you will future have and the hugs and sex and cuddles. Tell all your friends how great life is. CLOUD FLOAT. Don’t even snack on snacks, just roll around in your bed in your ‘i’m such a good dater’ love haze.
• Possibility #1: They ask you out to dinner two days later and you guys go on more dates and have romantic sex to Sara Barielles and puppies and kittens explode out of your vagina rainbow and it is lovely and special before somebody fucks up eventually. Become that couple that everybody hates because you guys are so happy and just writing this I want to shoot paintballs at you.
• Possibility Reality #2: Three days later, he hasn’t texted back or you decide that it was just a meh date so you go bury yourself in a mound of popcorn for two days as you wallow in your bad taste/bad luck. Then say fuck it and go out with your girl friends and Facebook stalk every guy you’ve ever met. Lather, Rinse, Repeat all those steps until Possibility #1 happens. After that ends, lather up again.

Cooking Time:
A date comes along after three bad hookups, one bad relationship, one long dry spell, and one satisfied stretch of ‘fuck you i love being alone’ time. So once every three years. Leap Year. Blue Moon. Mostly never.

Personally, I am not the greatest with first dates or dating in general. I am naturally really shy and I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I crawl into a little shell. The Frenemy's description of this first date is pretty much my dating experience. Meet jerkwad, drink too much because of nerves, make bad decisions, then never make it to second date. I would rather be alone than date, its that bad. That's why I feel extremely lucky with my boyfriend and my relationship now. So to everyone out there that is still looking, keep fighting the good fight. He or she is there....seriously they are.

Source!!!!!