Reading Comprehension: Its Important

OKC idiot message:

I'm surprised. I've never met anyone with Hitchhiker's Guide, Brave New Work, and Princess Bride on their bookshelf. I thought I was just an odd person. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one. What do you do to play in dirt and hike all day? I'm looking forward to working in an engine room again. I'd imagine the freedom and individuality of the job is very satisfying. What's your field of science (as in your personally favorite)? I'm sure you're a fan of science in general, but what gets you really excited? Space exploration for me.

For the record, its Brave New WORLD and I clearly state in my profile what I do that allows me to play in the dirt and hike all day which oddly enough is in conjunction with my field of science.

Profiles- they are like an open book test. And you sir have just failed.

Lessons for the Ladies: You are far from innocent from online dating mistakes...

Since the majority of the material for this site is sourced from my own online dating experience, guys tend to get the most criticism. However, the ladies can be just as bad. Lucky for me, my lovely boyfriend still has his OKC profile and occasionally shares the goodies he gets (Ed. note: Shittums is his guinea pig)

First off, when composing a message don't start out by pointing out what you think your fault is. That's a sure fire way to make you seem unattractive. Second, what is this "ONLY reason" bullshit? Conceited much? Lady this is the 21st century. You don't need a guy to do the first contact. And if you are going to do the first contact don't be an asshole about it. At this point, I'm not assuming that age is the only reason a guy wouldn't contact you first. I don't even want to fathom what your profile says.

I have this weird thing (well maybe not weird...its subjective) were I don't like when people compliment on how well written or funny or whatever your profile is. Its probably all semantics but if you are messaging a person its pretty safe to assume its because you like their profile. No need for additional comments.

Finally, don't use the word titillated (especially when you spell it wrong). Really just don't. Its for the better.

Shirtless photos are a big no-no as well as jokes about shirtless photos

On my lovely OKC profile, I let guys know that I am not interested in shirtless photos. In fact this is what is stated on my profile:  

Fair warning if you have one of those shirtless "I'm posing in the mirror so you can see my ripped abs" photo I'll probably just laugh (not really with you) no matter how hot you actually are. They are pretty ridiculous and will just make me think you are ridiculous. At least be at the beach or some other shirtless appropriate environment 

Sometimes, I do question my "okaying" of the shirtless appropriate environment comment but whatever, I do live in a beach area. Naturally, guys take advantage of this comment and make some of the lamest jokes. I really wish they wouldn't

If I didn't have a heart of coal, I could see how this message could be cute but after receiving about 50 similar messages it gets old really fast. Funny enough, Mr. Ripped Abs in the Mirror guy still ignores this message thus the "you are so fucking ridiculous" laughter starts.

{Real Stories} Living by example.......or not

I love reader submissions- so please send more!!! This lovely submitter states that on her profile she notes she is "a total nerd for spelling, grammar, and punctuation". Apparently that love brought about a certain admirer who claimed the same. Too bad he just couldn't follow through.

"ohhh my gosh your the first person on here that claims to be a stickler for grammar and punctuation and you actually used it all correctly haha. sorry I just ran across some other girls profile that said that but she misspelt everything and didn't use correct grammar so I had to call her out on it haha. She wasn't happy haha"

Word of advice to all you ladies and gents: if you claim to love something, have a certain skill, or even a shared interest with the person you are sending a message to make sure you can deliver. Nothing says trying to hard like a liar.

And please limit your use of haha or lol or any other term that implies that you are laughing hysterically at your own joke or situation. More than likely its not that funny.

Oh really now....

I'm posting photos and names on this one because I'm pretty damn sure its all a joke. If its not then consider it a warning to stay away.

When I logged onto my OKC profile today, this was the first things I saw and wished I could unsee

Seriously sir?! Why did this have to be on the first page. I don't want to see some dudes dick stache peeking out of his tighty whiteys ( I am aware that the chances of this body belonging to someone beside the user is .99.999999999%). Then using the all seeing powers of a fake profile I checked out his/her/it (lets face it this person could be anything) profile.

::headmeetdesk:: I think the worst part of shit like this is the list of guys under this profile for the "Similar Users" I'd be embarrassed to be part of that list. Not a single guy on there is anywhere near this nimrod or is flashing the dick stache, yet the all powerful OKC gods have deemed them twins. Good job algorithms.

FACT: Do not....

give out your phone number in your first message to a complete stranger and end your message with "I'm ____ btw." It won't look good on your end.

Here is how not to do a message

Please don't send a message that says "Sending a message is hard" or "I don't know how to do these things". My first thought when reading that is, no cofidence. Don't be this guy....

I have learned absolutely nothing about you except that you are probably shaking in fear as you typed that out. If you don't know what to say then don't send a message. Step away from the keyboard and think about it for a bit.

Also, don't leave a crappy message like that with a "hope we can continue our conversation" when you left me with nothing to continue with. Essentially, you have just dropped all of the responsibility and pressure to start a great and engaging convo in my lap. Way to step it up. Your potential online soul mate just gave you a list of question possibilities laid out in a lovely simple format. Try a little to think of a question. It would make all the world of difference. Trust.

So boring Mr. Politician

I feel like lately when I get a new message it just leaves me speechless. Even the most mundane sounding ones. For example......

Its just that this message is sooooooooooo boring. It sounds like an ad for a local politician. There is absolutely nothing that perks my interest. In fact I can imagine the date now- both of us sitting at a table, him babbling on and on and on about whatever mundane thing he is doing and me inserting a fork into my eye to make sure I'm still alive. Nothing about this message says adventurous. Really the only thing I can learn from it is that he is the rare form of modern man that still spells words out completely and uses correct punctuation.

Like any bored person, I did look up his facebook. Hey, he provided it. What else would I do? Just like his message, I learned nothing. Why you ask, since he clearly states I can see more info and "things" there? Its private. Thanks a lot, sir. They only interesting thing I did see was his profile pic which is an image of him and SARAH PALIN!!!!! Of course, my first thoughts were didn't he say he works in green energy? Does the lady who likes to shoot wolves out of helicopters like green energy? Despite the fact that she ran a state that is one of the most highly afflicted areas due to global warming she doubts that it is man-made. This is also the same lady that chanted "drill, baby, drill". However after doing a bit more digging, I did find that she supports renewable energies and helped pass legislation in Alaska to have half of its electricity come from renewable energy by 2025. So I guess he did help me learn something new.

Buuutttttt, I'm still not interested or even entertained and my opinion of Sarah Palin still has not changed. So life moves on just the same

What just happened?

No comment.....well actually tons but none I can articulate right now

The glowing shamrock is an old St. Patty's Day photo. I am completely open to suggestions on how to respond to this ass

Romantic Evening for One Creeper

Well lucky for me sir, I am not for sale

This is an interesting concept.......eh nevermind

I have a "fake" aka COMPLETELY blank profile that I use to look at some profiles that I don't want to use my normal profile for. There are certain people that seem crazy and I want to see what they write but not have them think I'm interested. Shady, I know, but saves me a lot of hassle.

Sooooooo, I used this fake profile to look at and get the photos of Mr. Blurry down there. This was in my fake inbox the next day

uuugghhhhhhhh, I have no words

This is an interesting concept....

My policy on this blog is no pictures and no names. I'm sticking to the policy but making this case an exception. I noticed this guy in my "visitors" list.

 

I didn't blur his face. He did. He states that he will send clear photos upon request. I think its an interesting concept/experiment. However I would have to wonder ,if I did this, if I was only be contacted cause they wanted to see what I looked like out of curiosity and not because the person was actually interested.I'm curious how successful this has been for him.

Now back to my no photo policy...............for now

Sometimes I feel like a jerk but then again.......

I'm fully accepting of my jerk status for this website and my responses to some of the messages I receive. Some of these people really are trying and I recognize that its hard to send a message to a complete stranger knowing that you are being fully judged on that message and if you are a lucky a look at your profile. Hell, when I saw boyfriend on OKC I didn't even message him. I copped out and sent a wink. Lucky enough for me he was interested and the rest is history.

So I go through these cycles where I feel like I should just be nicer then I get a message like this...

I've said it before- I'm not here to judge other people's sexual preferences. I'm all for a good hookup. Been there done that. I just always get a creepy feeling when hearing about people trying to find that online. You just really do not know what you are getting yourself into; more so than that person at the bar. So being propositioned like this online cause several reactions:
1. fake vomiting  noises
2. eye roll
3. 'Are you serious' shout out
4. Overall, creeped out sensation
5. And this response...

I did look at his profile and really for his favorite books/movie/music section was that response. If you can't even feign a response for something that EVERYBODY has a favorite of then you really are no interest to me. Plus it just further drives the point that he is only on a dating site to look for hook ups.